Bones: An Illustrated History of “Bones” (Pt. 3: THAT FIRST EPISODE WITH THE BOMB)
(I was really going to devote posts to entire seasons instead of individual episodes—because holy fuck, there are almost two hundred episodes out there, dudes—but I realized that there wouldn’t be a good way to cram 13 to 20-whatever episodes [with 40 or so screen caps? Dear lord…] into a text post without losing followers. I’d unfollow myself if I did that, hell. So I guess I’m doing nearly two hundred fucking text posts.)
(I don’t even remember some season one and season six episodes that well. Like this one. Barely remember it. And I’ve watched it a million times. So I’m just going to summarize only by looking at screen caps from Bones Daily.)
TONIGHT! ON “THE SHOW THAT’S AFTER ‘HOUSE’ I GUESS”!
A guy with an alarmingly bad skin condition gets blowed up!
(Mondays! Am I right?)
Remember when Brennan wore clothes like this? The look was brilliantly described by Zack as “eco warrior” and it swept the nation. (Or, rather, Angela borrowed one of her chunky belts this one time.)
(Meanwhile, Booth’s like, “Holy fuck, I can see her belly button game over man game over recite saints, Booth, come on you prepared for this save it for tonight’s shower buddy come on you can get through this.”)
And our beloved number one forensic anthropologist looks over the scene and firmly states, “This man is dead.”
(“I think it was a car accident. I don’t know.”)
And a lot of science-y stuff occurs! Either that, or this is the worst Chinese buffet you’ve ever seen, ever.
(This is season one, so it probably took a million takes for TJ Thyne to get those gloves on his hands. Just saying.)
And then God blinks or something, I don’t know.
And we’re back! And Booth and Brennan are arguing, because it’s they are both awake and breathing and this is what they do now! Argue and fight crime! And gesticulate wildly in each other’s faces!
Let’s watch beetles de-flesh the victim! Those were fun times, back when watching beetles de-fleshing corpses was a novelty. We were so innocent back then. “Ew!” we’d scream as we watched stuff like this—
—Never knowing just what this show had in store for us.
(I’m looking at you, Gamer in the Grease.)
Anyway, let’s look at the suspects! There’s the victim’s wife and his brother, and both of them are pretty suspicious, as far as suspects go.
(Remember when the interrogation room looked like this? Like they were filming out of a double-wide in the trailer park in Riverside? Good times.)
No one is impressed by the victim’s wife.
Remember this guy? Neither do I.
(CIA Guy? FBI Guy? Anti-terrorism guy? Singing telegram? Worst Ronald McDonald portrayer ever? All of the above?)
I don’t remember what this scene was about, but I’m guessing it had something to do with either: A) Angela wanting Brennan to jump Booth, or B) Angela wanting Brennan to stop looking at dead bodies and go live life to the fullest, drink copious amounts of alcohol, make passionate love to a million men, BASE jump off of the Seattle Space Needle, etc.
(“I want my belt back, Ang.”)
(“You’ll have it back when you can pry it off of my cold dead torso, Sweetie.”)
So that happens. And then they go back to look at Mr. Extra Crispy, there.
(“If you’re lost you can look and you will find meeee…”)
(“Come on Zack, sing it—‘tiiiiime after time’—I know you know the words, Zack!”)
Meanwhile—HOLY SHIT I TOTALLY FORGOT THIS HAPPENED IN THIS EPISODE?
Remember Tessa, guys? Oh my goodness gracious, so long ago. Is she wearing his shirt? Do couples actually do that in real life? What happened to her own shirt? Get your own damn shirt, Tess.
One that you can button all the way up, preferably.
(If you listen closely, you can hear God laughing his ass off.)
(“Lol Booth you ain’t fooling nobody,” God said.)
After that entirely believable display of affection, we’re back to interrogating this clown.
(Still not impressed.)
"Hey, have we argued in an overly-decorated Chinese restaurant yet? No?"
The moon? Antarctica? Bones? Who knows. Moving along…
Then they interrogate Clown #2.
(“Hello, and welcome to my home. I think you’ll find that I cannot be the murderer because I am a Christian and have the same awful skin condition as my late brother, may he rest in peace.”)
I think this guy was having an affair with the victim’s wife? Maybe?
Eh, who gives a fuck, here’s a scene of Booth and Brennan arguing in a car.
Meanwhile, Angela takes down Tessa like a starving lioness takes down a high-calorie-muffin-eating gazelle.
(“I heard you don’t care for buttons. May I interest you in a belt of some sort?”)
And Booth and Brennan follow up with the victim’s wife’s boyfriend…
…Which naturally leads to Brennan stomping on his trachea. Because he touched her. With his hands.
Booth suddenly realizes how awkward that kiss with Tessa was.
And lol, the brother did it. And now he’s going to blow everyone else up, because he found something he was good at and enjoyed doing.
(“But he had a crucifix on his wall! A CRUCIFIX! ON HIS WALL!”)
Booth and Brennan follow him to the Hamilton Cultural Center (which looks suspiciously like the Airport of Heartache?) where the annual International Peace and No Bombs or Violence Seriously It Would Be Super Ironic If You Killed Us All Don’t Do That Bro convention is taking place.
(“Terrorists say what?”)
And so our story ends. But not before Booth and Brennan have a Meaningful Conversation of Meaning at Wong Fu’s (which is the actual name of the Chinese restaurant, not me being racist.)
(“Lol, I was going to go home and have hot sex with my girlfriend, but instead I’ve decided to stay here and bicker with you. This is going to happen non-stop for the next six years. I read ahead.”)
FIFTY FUCKING SCREENCAPS. This is not going to work, guys.
"Bones": An Illustrated History (Pt. 1: AN INTRODUCTION)
This is Dr. Temperance Brennan of the Jeffersonian.
She’s a forensic anthropologist by day and a best-selling mystery author by night. Which means she looks at skeletons all day.
(Note: Not actual skeletons.)
She is Complicated. She likes pigs and John Wayne. She also likes Cyndi Lauper, but not enough to be like, “LOL CYNDI LAUPER WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE CAN I SING ‘SHE BOP’ TO YOU?” when a spiritualist who looks uncannily like Cyndi Lauper comes into her life. She does not like it when people touch her without her permission. So if you ever meet her, don’t touch her. She will break one or many of your bones.
Super Special Agent Seeley “Grumpy Lumpkins” Booth of the FBI.
He’ll solve your crime by dinner time.
He likes hockey and pudding. Also Brennan. He dislikes clowns, especially asshole clowns, which is apparently the only breed of clown featured on this show. He wore a polo shirt once. It was awful.
He also has a son named Parker. Check out this adorable motherfucker.
If you’re not like “HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WHAT IS THAT SUPERNOVA OF CUTENESS” then you’re a goddamned liar. Unfortunately, he grew into this:
Maybe it’s just a phase.
Booth calls Brennan “Bones”, initially because he had a crush on her, and subsequently because it annoyed her, but ultimately because he had a crush on her again.
(Warning: They did this sort of eye-fucking thing for SIX FUCKING YEARS before finally sleeping together. It was the worst/best.)
(Note: Yes, that’s a pig. His name is Jasper. She likes pigs.)
This is Angela Montenegro.
She’s a free-spirited artist who also works with dead people, against her will. Brennan is her best friend. Also, she looks good in purple, apparently?
This is Dr. Jack
Hodgkins Hodgins, an entomologist at the Jeffersonian.
His hair is magical and contains government secrets.
He is also a millionaire paranoid conspiracy theorist. He likes dirt. And Angela. He hates everything that isn’t dirt or Angela.
This is Zack Addy, Brennan’s intern. Poor Zack.
This is Dr. Daniel Goodman of the Jeffersonian.
He disappeared into the night…one night…because he was scared of Brennan. He kept it together for a few years prior to his disappearance, so good for him! Dr. Goodman, we hardly knew ye.
This is Dr. Camille “Cam” Saroyan of the Jeffersonian.
She took Dr. Goodman’s place because she’s from THE BRONX and isn’t afraid of calling Brennan out on her bullshit. Also, she wanted to bone Booth.
(Get it? Bone Booth? Because…bones…yeah.)
I’m not going to get into her character yet because she doesn’t come in until season two. I just wanted you guys to know that I hadn’t forgotten about her.
SO ENDETH THE INTRODUCTION.
Study, my children. Study hard. Learn these faces. For they will be on the final exam.
[All photos are from Bones Daily. Except for the Harryhausen skeletons. Those are from…the internet.]
I’m going to defend Brennan by saying that Angela probably gave it to her to read. Or maybe Cam, since Cam likes harlequin novels.
Either that, or it’s Booth’s. I bet Booth is secretly a Danielle Steel fan.
Thoughts on “Bones” (Or…”Bony Thoughts”? Or not…)
Here are some thoughts on last week’s “Bones” (and all the news surrounding “Bones”, etc.)
Under the cut, because there’s speculation about
Ghostface Killah the Ghost Killer.
"I have binders filled with findings!"
“Then give them to Dr. Edison!”
TAKE A FUCKING SHOT!!!!!
Also, I am looking forward to the Wu-Tang Clan’s Ghostface Killah being the new bad guy on “Bones”.
So someone’s going to make a .gif of Sours (Pelant) from tonight’s episode of “Bones” with that “Surprise, bitch/ I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me” meme, right? Right?
Come on, guys. I’m counting on you.