The Borz is General Jack Ripper
- [War is coming.]
- Fox Executive: Hart Hanson! What the Sam Hill is going on here?
- Hart Hanson: It's General Hanson now. The eighth season is on its way, and as usual, that means that tempers are flaring. Tensions between the "Bones" fandom and...certain other show fandoms...are heating up.
- Intern Rick: You mean the "Castle" fandom, right? The "Castle" fandom is always giving us shit.
- Hart Hanson: Private Intern Rick! To the brig with you!
- Intern Rick: Do you mean the storage closet where Hugh Laurie kept the heads of his victims? Because that place smells.
- Hart Hanson: The brig!
- Fox Executive: Um, anyway. Yes, I understand, the rivalry between "Castle" fans and "Bones" fans has been becoming more intense with the coming of the new season. It's a part of life. It always happens. It's nothing to worry about. We have everything under control.
- Hart Hanson: Really? Have you started an offensive using new "Bones" promotional ads and publicity releases?
- Fox Executive: Um...we're working on it. Look, Hart, believe me. War is not coming, this is not the end times, everything's under control.
- Hart Hanson: But they called us "stupid heads", man! Stupid heads!
- Fox Executive: ...Hart, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Have you ever heard of the term "mutual assured destruction"? It's a military term.
- Hart Hanson: Lol, I'm Canadian. I don't think we even have a military. We just have a lot of Ottowans with shotguns.
- Fox Executive: Okay, well, mutual assured destruction was a military strategy used in the Cold War, between the US and the Soviets. It pretty much means that if the Soviets ever launched nuclear weapons at the US, then the US would in turn launch their nuclear weapons at the Soviets, providing mutually assured destruction--get it?--which neither nation wants. So it results in a stalemate. Neither nation uses their weapons. Have you ever seen "Fail Safe"? Or "Dr. Strangelove"? It's like that.
- Hart Hanson: Yes! "Dr. Strangelove"! With the Pink Panther!
- Fox Executive: Mm, yes, the Pink Panther. Anyway...well, the thing is...let's just say that, maybe, with the money Fox Studios saved by not raising "The Simpsons" cast's salaries, we were able to buy nuclear weapons from Kazakhstan and at this very moment have them trained at ABC's studios. And maybe they bought some nukes from Chechnya and have them trained on us as a result. No one's going to make the first move on this, Hart. Mutual assured destruction.
- Hart Hanson: Dear Lord.
- Fox Executive: Yes, it's a radical decision, but think of it this way. "Bones" fans and "Castle" fans can bicker all they want. These little localized skirmishes can pop up on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, and without an official response from either show, they'll just as quickly end. It's all part of the nature of fandoms. Hell, the studios even privately condone these sorts of rivalries, because they instill loyalty within the fandoms and bring about lower-level publicity. It's mutually beneficial to everyone involved.
- Hart Hanson: Well, yes, as long as a rogue variable doesn't do something crazy, right?
- Fox Executive: Well yeah, that goes without saying. But we equip Stephen Nathan with a muzzle every time he leaves the lot, and TJ Thyne has offered his silence in return for a lifetime supply of hair product, so we've got everything under control. Everything is under control. Under. Control.
- Hart Hanson: ...
- Fox Executive: ...
- Hart Hanson: ...Sorry, I'm just waiting for it...
- Fox Aide: Sir! Terrible news!
- Fox Executive: Oh god. What?
- Fox Aide: The Borz has tweeted something that may be construed as disparaging towards "Castle"! ABC is furious.
- Fox Executive: Dear god in heaven.
- Hart Hanson: DAMN YOU, THE BORZ!
- Fox Executive: The matador! The matador!
Mozart to His Salieri
- Stephen Nathan: Has he come out yet?
- Hart Hanson: No. I'm worried, Stephen. I was worried when he cut his tweeting down, and now no one's seen him in days. All I can hear is murmuring...muttering...whispers...
- Stephen Nathan: Can you make any of it out?
- Hart Hanson: Just...well, it may mean nothing--I mean, he's been in his trailer for days, without food or water, it might be nonsense, but I keep hearing, "spoil everything" and "troll" and "my masterpiece".
- Stephen Nathan: ...Dear God.
- Hart Hanson: What is it?
- Stephen Nathan: Isn't it obvious, Hart? He's doing it. He's finally doing it. He's writing...the most trolllish tweet in the history of trollish tweets.
- Hart Hanson: You think it's finally come to that?
- Stephen Nathan: He always spoke about it. I just assumed he was kidding. That he didn't have the guts to do it. But...maybe with the LA Kings' Stanley Cup win...maybe he's grown stronger. That's how he gains his power, you know. Hockey wins.
- Hart Hanson: I know all about that, Stephen. I'm Canadian.
- Stephen Nathan: Yes. But...Hart, I have to confess something.
- Hart Hanson: What is it?
- Stephen Nathan: I--this is all my fault, Hart. You see...I goaded him into doing this. God knows I shouldn't have. Not after his last set of tweets blew up in his face. But damn it, Hart, I was jealous!
- Hart Hanson: Jealous? Why?
- Stephen Nathan: You have to understand. All my life, I've wanted to be a troll. Every night I prayed to God to make me the trolliest troll that ever trolled. And this is before the internet, before there even were internet trolls. I wanted to be a troll before such a thing existed. In school, I wrote curse words all over the blackboard, sent girls fake love letters. I dyed all the Romans' togas pink during "Godspell". I understand now that these were Archie-and-Jughead pranks, but by the time I started working on "Bones", I thought I was pretty hot shit. And then he started tweeting. The Borz. And it was like a music I'd never heard before, filled with such trolling, such unadulterated trolling, it had me trembling.
- Hart Hanson: Stephen, you know you're good at trolling...
- Stephen Hanson: But not like him! I once watched him troll in between scenes we were filming at three in the morning! Three in the morning! He just sat down in his chair, ate a donut, and tweeted. It took me five hours to write a tweet about Brennan *maybe* being in danger in season eight. But the Borz--in five seconds he implied that he might be leaving the show! Five seconds, like it was nothing! He sent half the fandom into a frenzy! I couldn't understand it! And now he's in his trailer, working on the troll post to end all troll posts. He'll troll to such a high degree that his already weakened body won't be able to handle it and he'll explode. Soothsayers have spoken of the day, when a righteous troll creates the perfect troll tweet. They warn of schisms in the universe, breaks in the space-time continuum, rains of fire and Satan himself being summoned from hell. And secretly, Hart, I wished it were me. But I knew, once I read the Borz's tweet about the series ending, that's when I knew--God had ordained him, not me. God was laughing at me. And it sounded like the Borz's stupid giggles. I heard it. And now it's only a matter of time until the Borz summons the end times with the last, great troll post. Damn you, the Borz!
- Hart Hanson: ...You were in "Godspell"?
He probably did have a meeting. But still… WHAT A TROLL. LOL.
At Comic-Con, he made it quite clear how much he LOVES using Twitter to get the fans riled up. lmao
I love it.
♪♪ Trollin’ trollin’ trollin’ … ♪♪
My hat is off to you, Boreanaz. Well played.
He’s getting more sophisticated in his trolling.
You know. Those.
Dancing On My Own by Robyn
On repeat, no shame.