An Illustrated Bones History: The Critic in the Cabernet (Or Sperm and Tumors and Other Things Everyone Wants Out of Booth’s Body)
[And thus my very slow slog through “Bones” illustrated recaps continues…slowly…so slowly…]
Hey, where are we? Looks like a vineyard in
Southern California Virginia or something of the sort…
And here we are inside the vineyard (the magic of television, guys!) with a bunch of pretentious snobs lying about how great the wine smells or something (stop playing, fools, it all tastes like grape Kool-Aid to you and you know it).
(Fun Fact: All of these people’s lives are about to be ruined in a matter of seconds.)
And, because this is “Bones” and these characters mean nothing to us, they’re about to find a little surprise in the wine they just paid $1000 to sip and spit.
(Mmmm, you can really taste the oaky decay—is this wine German?)
(Yay, you found the finger! That means you’ll have good luck for the rest of the year!)
(Also, lots of antibiotics. Lots and lots of antibiotics. And therapy.)
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, another disaster is unfolding…
Sweets wants Booth and Brennan to play a game of Word Association, because apparently he learned his Psychology Exercises from a Cub Scout retreat he went on in the fourth grade.
Not surprisingly, this leads to Brennan realizing that she wants Booth’s sperm.
(That ringing you hear is Brennan’s biological clock suddenly going off.)
(And that is the face of a war veteran who’s suddenly realized that he’s way in over his head.)
(“OH GOD I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE JUST ASKED THEM TO BURN LEAVES WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS OH GOD LANCE WHAT HATH YOU WROUGHT?”)
Fortunately Sweets is saved from Booth’s Fists of Rage by a case! A case at the ol’ haunted winery! Let’s go, Scoobs!
Oh HAI it’s FML FBI Forensics Tech! Aw, I’ve missed you almost as much as I’ve missed Charlie, FML FBI Forensics Tech. As per usual, FML FBI Forensics Tech has entered into Booth and Brennan’s conversation at the most inopportune time (namely, when Brennan is trying persuade Booth TO JUST GIVE HER HIS SEMEN, DAMN IT.)
(The face of a man who is living through his own actual hell.)
"Here at Smuckers we only use the ripest sinews of a man’s flesh to create our beloved raspberry-flavored Dead Guy jams and preserves! Because at Smuckers, you know it’s good!"
At the lab, our beautiful crime solvers are sifting through remains and wondering what they’ve done to deserve this.
(And Fisher is there too.)
Also, Brennan announces that she’s going to have a baby. Not now. Later. In the not-so-near-future.
Everyone is 100% supportive and thrilled by this news.
Lol, just kidding. They all think Brennan is bananas. Until she mentions that Booth is really the only hunk of dude qualified to be the father of her child, and then they’re all like, “Ah, yes, okay, Sweets must have done his Word Association game and scrambled Brennan’s brain into realizing she wants to bone Booth, okay, now we’re all up to speed.”
But because she is a Good Friend, Angela still sits Brennan down and has a heart-to-heart with Brennan, trying to make her realize that what Brennan really wants is to bone Booth, and who can blame her? Who hasn’t wanted to have sex with Booth at some point of time? Who hasn’t wanted to raise their own army of Booth Rage Babies? Who’s surprised that there aren’t even more Baby Booths running throughout the world, eating pudding and shooting people and singing terribly all the live-long day?
(“Sweetie, how many times have I told you not to play Sweets’ Word Association games?”)
Similarly, Cam races over to the Hoover Building to confront her Bestest Bud/Former Fuck Buddy over the fact that Booth is totally going to give Brennan his sperm because HE HAS THE HEART OF A LION and that’s apparently what lions do? Give each other sperm?
(She would not be wrong.)
(“The Bobble-Headed Bobby and I are very disappointed in you, Booth.”)
Then there’s a car ride conversation, in which, I’m guessing, Booth and Brennan talk about the case and, you know, having a baby.
(The face of a man wondering why he even got out of bed that morning.)
At the victim’s house, Brennan steals an infant!
But Booth makes her give it back.
(“Why do all our suspects have to have babies today? I hate my life.”)
Another Car Conversation. Perhaps about babies?
(“One way or another, I’m going to get your semen, damn it. Late at night, when you least expect it…”)
(“Hey! That’s how Parker was born!”)
Back at the lab, a whole lot is being made out of this, whatever this is.
(A map of Southern California? Smucker’s raspberry preserves? Who knows.)
And Booth and Brennan question this guy, who’s into wine or something and is an asshole, I’m assuming, because look at that beard.
(“Yeah, I might’ve killed him. What of it?”)
And Fisher has commandeered the remains for his groovy 60’s-themed tropical fish aquarium.
(Cream’s “Sunshine of Your Love” plays in the distance…)
And by the end of the day, Booth has found himself at a sperm bank. About to jack off into a cup and donate his sperm to his Partner/Woman He’s Secretly In Love With, because a decade ago he assassinated a Serb warlord at a children’s birthday party, and karma works in mysterious ways.
(“Hi, I have an appointment to ruin my life?”)
(This issue includes: “Solving the Argentinian Financial Crisis” by Alan Greenspan!)
But instead of the aforementioned jacking into the aforementioned plastic cup, Booth has some sort of psychotic break in which Stewie from “Family Guy” appears!
It probably would have been funnier if it had been Ralph from “The Simpsons”, but oh well, you can’t win ‘em all.
(“You were in a closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.”)
As it is, Stewie actually gives Booth some sage life advice, particularly “If you were a real man you’d fuck your partner after one of her interns is shot to death by one of your crazy-ass army buddies and then deliver the baby in a manger.”
(“Fuck you, Stewie, I’m sick your shit!”)
After what must have been a very entertaining day for the RN at the sperm bank, Booth and Sweets have a conversation in Booth’s office. I don’t remember what was said, exactly, but it probably had to do with babies.
(“So are you pregnant yet? Is it a boy or a girl? Can I name it? I just Buzz Lightyear. I want the baby to be named Buzz Lightyear. If it’s a girl.”)
(“Kill me. Kill me now.”)
And at the lab, Fisher gives his glowing approval of Brennan’s desire to have Booth’s baby. Because if Fisher approves of something, you know you’re on the right track.
(“Can you name it Black Orchid Mourning Sorrow? If it’s a boy.”)
Look! Another baby! Apparently the victim in the wine casket was sleeping around, fathering children left and right. He was like the Brian Jones of Oenophiles.
(“Well, the victim is bald, and that baby is very obviously wearing a toupee, sooooo…”)
Cam and Angela simultaneously disapprove of the disaster that will obviously be Brennan and Booth’s artificial baby-making while also going ape shit over how freaking adorable said baby will obviously be.
(Oh, Angela. You’d be surprised to learn who’s going to be the first person in this lab to have a baby.)
Booth questions the victim’s wife again. They talk about babies, and the amount of babies the victim has had, and just about babies in general, maybe.
(“…And that’s probably why your son acts like a total flake, Agent Booth.”)
Look! Bones of some sort!
Booth and Brennan are back in Sweets’ office. Here’s a sort of arty shot for you:
(Seeley Booth and Temperance Brennan in Ingmar Bergman’s Persona.)
Brennan and Booth are going ahead with the whole baby thing, even though she wants to raise the baby on her own (like Diane Keaton did in Baby Boomers! And Kirstie Alley in Look Who’s Talking!) and Booth doesn’t necessarily have to, you know, take part or anything.
(Read: I want to have a family with Booth but I’m quite sure that Booth would never want a family with me, so I’m just going to have a Booth by family via technicality and I’m so sad, so very very sad.)
As Benedick from “Much Ado About Nothing” would say, “The world must be peopled!” And if not by Booth, then by Fisher, and no one wants that. No one at all.
Case in point…
(“This watermelon is like my soul. Seconds away from being splattered all over Cam.”)
(“Fuck my life.”)
Booth and Brennan finally figure out who the killer is, and…it’s this guy. Remember him?
(“What do you expect? I’m an asshole.”)
But that doesn’t matter, because halfway through the killer’s confession, Booth starts imagining Stewie again, which naturally is rather alarming to everyone in the room.
Brennan pulls Booth out of the room and tries to snap him out of it, but Booth sort of word-vomits all over her, explaining that he can’t have a baby and not be a part of her life, as Stewie from “Family Guy” forbids it, etc.
(“The cartoon baby is right! I should put my penis into your vagina and then be there to feed the baby pudding before you run away because a serial killer framed you for murder! JUST AS GOD INTENDED IT!”)
Thankfully Brennan puts all of the Season Four Booth Hallucinations together and realizes that Booth has a very serious problem, and it has nothing to do with him fathering her child, and rushes him to the hospital right away.
Let us now say a prayer for the Tumor Baby That Never Was. Imnotnormalimextraordinary tells me that Tumor Baby would have been about five if Booth and Brennan had gone through with their awful, half-baked plan. In memory of Tumor Baby I’ve made an artist’s rendering of the sperm Booth donated, and which are probably still languishing in a DC sperm bank somewhere.
(“WHERE’S THAT FUCKING EGG?!?!”)
Everyone goes to the hospital and is sad because Booth has a tumor. Also, I assume, because all the baby shower gifts they prematurely bought will have to be returned. But mostly because Booth needs brain surgery and might die.
I’m not even going to try to make fun of the following scene between Booth and Brennan, because they’re adorable and it’s sort of sad and they love each other so much but it still going to take them two more seasons to admit it.
(Ugh, you stupid, beautiful babies.)
Booth asks Brennan to be in the operating room when they extract the tumor, just in case something happens. Because when you love someone, you want them to have first-hand knowledge of what your brain looks like and be there to watch you die on the operating table.
(“C’mon, Bones, please? There’ll be lots of blood and guts and stuff and it’s probably gonna smell real bad! Please?”)
(“That’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me.”)
Also, Booth tells Brennan that, if he doesn’t survive, he wants her to use his sperm. Because this show is actively trying to break your heart. And thus the episode ends, with Booth being rolled into the operating room and Brennan holding his hand all the while.
Of course Booth doesn’t die, because that would end the show, and there’s money to be had and contracts to be made, so let’s just carry on for another seven years! Yay!
And hey! Look! A baby!
(I dub thee “Grief Baby Borne of Tears and Sadness”.)
[Screen caps are from Bones Daily.]
Anybody have links to those new “Bones” promos? I haven’t seen them yet.
Bones: An Illustrated History of “Bones” (Pt. 3: THAT FIRST EPISODE WITH THE BOMB)
(I was really going to devote posts to entire seasons instead of individual episodes—because holy fuck, there are almost two hundred episodes out there, dudes—but I realized that there wouldn’t be a good way to cram 13 to 20-whatever episodes [with 40 or so screen caps? Dear lord…] into a text post without losing followers. I’d unfollow myself if I did that, hell. So I guess I’m doing nearly two hundred fucking text posts.)
(I don’t even remember some season one and season six episodes that well. Like this one. Barely remember it. And I’ve watched it a million times. So I’m just going to summarize only by looking at screen caps from Bones Daily.)
TONIGHT! ON “THE SHOW THAT’S AFTER ‘HOUSE’ I GUESS”!
A guy with an alarmingly bad skin condition gets blowed up!
(Mondays! Am I right?)
Remember when Brennan wore clothes like this? The look was brilliantly described by Zack as “eco warrior” and it swept the nation. (Or, rather, Angela borrowed one of her chunky belts this one time.)
(Meanwhile, Booth’s like, “Holy fuck, I can see her belly button game over man game over recite saints, Booth, come on you prepared for this save it for tonight’s shower buddy come on you can get through this.”)
And our beloved number one forensic anthropologist looks over the scene and firmly states, “This man is dead.”
(“I think it was a car accident. I don’t know.”)
And a lot of science-y stuff occurs! Either that, or this is the worst Chinese buffet you’ve ever seen, ever.
(This is season one, so it probably took a million takes for TJ Thyne to get those gloves on his hands. Just saying.)
And then God blinks or something, I don’t know.
And we’re back! And Booth and Brennan are arguing, because it’s they are both awake and breathing and this is what they do now! Argue and fight crime! And gesticulate wildly in each other’s faces!
Let’s watch beetles de-flesh the victim! Those were fun times, back when watching beetles de-fleshing corpses was a novelty. We were so innocent back then. “Ew!” we’d scream as we watched stuff like this—
—Never knowing just what this show had in store for us.
(I’m looking at you, Gamer in the Grease.)
Anyway, let’s look at the suspects! There’s the victim’s wife and his brother, and both of them are pretty suspicious, as far as suspects go.
(Remember when the interrogation room looked like this? Like they were filming out of a double-wide in the trailer park in Riverside? Good times.)
No one is impressed by the victim’s wife.
Remember this guy? Neither do I.
(CIA Guy? FBI Guy? Anti-terrorism guy? Singing telegram? Worst Ronald McDonald portrayer ever? All of the above?)
I don’t remember what this scene was about, but I’m guessing it had something to do with either: A) Angela wanting Brennan to jump Booth, or B) Angela wanting Brennan to stop looking at dead bodies and go live life to the fullest, drink copious amounts of alcohol, make passionate love to a million men, BASE jump off of the Seattle Space Needle, etc.
(“I want my belt back, Ang.”)
(“You’ll have it back when you can pry it off of my cold dead torso, Sweetie.”)
So that happens. And then they go back to look at Mr. Extra Crispy, there.
(“If you’re lost you can look and you will find meeee…”)
(“Come on Zack, sing it—‘tiiiiime after time’—I know you know the words, Zack!”)
Meanwhile—HOLY SHIT I TOTALLY FORGOT THIS HAPPENED IN THIS EPISODE?
Remember Tessa, guys? Oh my goodness gracious, so long ago. Is she wearing his shirt? Do couples actually do that in real life? What happened to her own shirt? Get your own damn shirt, Tess.
One that you can button all the way up, preferably.
(If you listen closely, you can hear God laughing his ass off.)
(“Lol Booth you ain’t fooling nobody,” God said.)
After that entirely believable display of affection, we’re back to interrogating this clown.
(Still not impressed.)
"Hey, have we argued in an overly-decorated Chinese restaurant yet? No?"
The moon? Antarctica? Bones? Who knows. Moving along…
Then they interrogate Clown #2.
(“Hello, and welcome to my home. I think you’ll find that I cannot be the murderer because I am a Christian and have the same awful skin condition as my late brother, may he rest in peace.”)
I think this guy was having an affair with the victim’s wife? Maybe?
Eh, who gives a fuck, here’s a scene of Booth and Brennan arguing in a car.
Meanwhile, Angela takes down Tessa like a starving lioness takes down a high-calorie-muffin-eating gazelle.
(“I heard you don’t care for buttons. May I interest you in a belt of some sort?”)
And Booth and Brennan follow up with the victim’s wife’s boyfriend…
…Which naturally leads to Brennan stomping on his trachea. Because he touched her. With his hands.
Booth suddenly realizes how awkward that kiss with Tessa was.
And lol, the brother did it. And now he’s going to blow everyone else up, because he found something he was good at and enjoyed doing.
(“But he had a crucifix on his wall! A CRUCIFIX! ON HIS WALL!”)
Booth and Brennan follow him to the Hamilton Cultural Center (which looks suspiciously like the Airport of Heartache?) where the annual International Peace and No Bombs or Violence Seriously It Would Be Super Ironic If You Killed Us All Don’t Do That Bro convention is taking place.
(“Terrorists say what?”)
And so our story ends. But not before Booth and Brennan have a Meaningful Conversation of Meaning at Wong Fu’s (which is the actual name of the Chinese restaurant, not me being racist.)
(“Lol, I was going to go home and have hot sex with my girlfriend, but instead I’ve decided to stay here and bicker with you. This is going to happen non-stop for the next six years. I read ahead.”)
FIFTY FUCKING SCREENCAPS. This is not going to work, guys.
Why does it make me so happy that every time I try to
sneak a peek at you, you are already looking at me?