Horoscopes by Mariana.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Great tragedy will lead to great opportunity…which will ultimately lead to mass rioting and a public execution, when you learn that Kim Jong Il has named you as his successor.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought him back. But in the end, it was chewing on electrical cords that finally did the trick.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
A wise man once said, “No man steps into the same river twice, for it is not the same river, and he is not the same man.” But we still recommend you don’t ford the river, as your oxen will surely die.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
You will undergo an entirely new lifestyle and meet interesting people after relocating to an exotic place, but remember: When Big Joe says he prefers the top bunk in the cell, you best let him have it. He keeps a spoon carved into a shiv in his shoe.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the landing. You should keep that in mind, because 40,000 feet is a really long way to fall.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will soon adopt the raver lifestyle and spend long nights dancing with beautiful people in a state of drug-addled euphoria. Oh, wait, did we say the raver lifestyle? We meant the raven lifestyle. You will spend long nights driving Edgar Allen Poe insane.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
The good news: you become the first person to travel into deep space. The bad news: your turn on the bungee ride at the fair will not go as expected.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
If you never imagined that your worst enemy could raise up an army of bloodthirsty snowmen to track you down and tear you into sopping sinews of viscous in front of your terrified family on Christmas day, then good news! This’ll all be new to you.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
The second Leonian age will bring great fortune and riches to those with the lion sign—which is unfortunate for you, because you actually aren’t a Leo. We hate to have to tell you this, but you were adopted. Yep, left on the doorstep of a little old lady, who assumed for the first two years of your life that you were a very fat, hairless cat, and who in turn left you on the doorstep of the town vet when you kept throwing up the cat food she fed you. You’re actually an Aries. Which sucks, because those guys are real assholes.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
If you ever go to that Chinese restaurant down on Broad Street and are given a fortune cookie suggesting you put all your money into hog futures, please, for the love of god, don’t pay any attention to it. Just tear it up and walk away. We lost our entire life savings listening to that bastard. Now we’re stuck writing lame horoscopes.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
All of the zombie-themed books, movies, and TV shows in the world won’t save you when a government-developed bioweapon is accidentally unleashed in your town and turns everyone you’ve ever known and loved into fans of Twilight.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Great tragedy will lead to great opportunity…which will lead to mass riots and public executions, when you learn that the Leader of North Korea, Sagittarius, has named you as his successor.