my dear street brawler

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“Dear god, Booth, what is it?”

“It’s my new son, Bones! I named him Billy! It’s actually a funny story—”

“Does it involve you ultimately suffering from a psychotic break? Because that’s the only way I can imagine this making any sense.”

“Will you let me tell my story, Bones? Okay, so I’m hanging out at London King’s Cross station and there are all of these people, right? But I, with my super duper detective sniper eyes—Bones, you would’ve been so proud of me—I notice all these little kids running straight at this one brick wall! And I’m like, ‘Holy fuck, British kids are dumb as posts,’ but then they all disappear! And I make out some bullshit nonsense words they’re saying and so when there’s a lull in the crowd , I try it out, because, you know, you only live once, right? And it’s the craziest thing, Bones, but I’m transported into this magical world!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. It is a psychotic break.”

“And there are gnomes and monsters and a fuck load of owls and shit and I’m like, ‘Man, I’m so lost, I gotta call Bones, have her pick me up or give me directions back to my hotel or something.’ So I go into this old timey curiosity shop and this ugly dude is staring me down, giving me the side eye, and I’m like, ‘Look, pal, just because I’m an American doesn’t mean I’m gonna rob the place!’ And he gives me this weird look and sort of beckons me further into the store and the guy’s like, ‘I know just what you need,’ and I’m like, ‘I just need to use your phone, or whatever stupid name you Brits have for it—a wonky-noodle or chirpie-dirp or what the fuck ever,’ and he shows me this little guy! Billy! And I’m like, ‘What is it?’ And he’s like, ‘The culmination of all your fears and deepest secrets, a tool created by the darkest magic to carry out every evil thought and basest desire you’ve ever had.’ And I’m like, ‘Uh, do you sell disposable phones? Because what I need is a disposable phone.’ And he forces Billy into my hands and yells, ‘Now be gone! Before the Magical Law Enforcement Control hears of this trespass!’ And he yells some gibberish at me and waves a stick at me and then suddenly I’m back in my hotel room! Weird, huh?”

“Booth…”

“But yeah, Billy! I named him Billy. He says he’s the offspring borne of the darkest recesses of my mind? I dunno. The cool thing is that he really does everything I ask him to do! I asked him to go down the hall and fill my ice bucket, and he said that he only did evil biddings, so I told him about that article you showed me, about all the bacteria in ice cubes, and he did it! So all I have to do is tell him that I want something evil done, and he’ll do whatever I ask him to!”

“Booth. He seems to be drooling blood, Booth…”

“Oh, yeah. I caught him gnawing on my ankle last night. He must be teething. Hey! If we go back to that train station, maybe I can find that store again and we can get you a little girl evil bidding-doer! He can have a girlfriend!”

“Booth…no more British chocolates, Booth…”

[Photo courtesy of Home of the Nutty.]